UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
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Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
scares
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
barbara was highly relatable
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.