*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
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Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
socratic questions
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?