[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
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Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.