When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
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FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”