Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.