Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
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[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.