Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
You Might Also Like
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
No, I don’t think I will.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
My wedding will be open casket.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]