Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.