Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins