Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.