date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.