@Schmoodles: My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
@Schmoodles: Someone at work asked if I'd listened to any good books lately, and now I've got a body to dispose of. :(
@Schmoodles: If I ever have a heart attack, I'm deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
@Schmoodles: I call my bedroom 'The place where the magic happens' because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.
1. How much wine can a cat drink?
2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat?
3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?
@Schmoodles: My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like "Who are you?" and "Why are you hiding outside my house?" and "My wife is calling the police."
@Schmoodles: Sometimes I see a baby and think "Aww, I want one!" Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think "Yeah, maybe I'm not ready."
@Schmoodles: Don't talk to me about your drinking problems until you've tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.