Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
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Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.