The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
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when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then