I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
You Might Also Like
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
reminder
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.