When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
how do y’all walk in shallow water
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.