Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
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I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
When news reporters do sports stories
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
my dog when i have a friend over
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Good morning y’all ☀️
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*