I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
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Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*