BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.