It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
You Might Also Like
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.