My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
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[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!