Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I put the p in pants.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.