wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
What is going on? 😅
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
😅🤣😂
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I occasionally drink every single night.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?