Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia