I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
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Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it