Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
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I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.