Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
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Oh my God.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
🤣🤣🤣
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice