Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)