What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.