Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.