Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
How does one answer this?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.