Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Shade510's best tweets

@Shade510 : Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident. At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

@Shade510: If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

@Shade510: Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?...We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

@Shade510: * Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

@Shade510: Her: Look...I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record...you did preface it with “When you get a chance...”

@Shade510: Her: Umm...Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog...returns 3 days later

@Shade510: Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day....so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

@Shade510: Wow...Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

@Shade510: Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

@Shade510: Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?