Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Shade510's best tweets

@Shade510 : My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

@Shade510: * on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me...

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

@Shade510: * shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

@Shade510: It's not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

@Shade510: *gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

@Shade510: Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

@Shade510: Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert...came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

@Shade510: Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny's parking lot.

@Shade510: Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation...until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.