What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
You Might Also Like
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My favorite farside!!
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?