I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
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No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life