I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up