I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
This story is comedy gold 😂
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter