If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
the three genders
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
When you’re Kinky but poor
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!