@Shanehasabeard: Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
@Shanehasabeard: "Your résumé says you've been to prison?"
Me: Sorry, that's a mistake
"So you haven't?"
Me: I have, I just didn't mean to put it on there
@Shanehasabeard: There's a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L's
@Shanehasabeard: Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don't have to do that but I still also do that?
@Shanehasabeard: Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving