@SharkJelly: *I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
@SharkJelly: Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
@SharkJelly: [At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
@SharkJelly: [1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say 'brave choice sir' and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
@SharkJelly: Clark Kent "I have a confession"
Lois Lane "what is it?"
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois "Is it a bird?"
Clark "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU"
@SharkJelly: Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
@SharkJelly: "Hey honey"
*drags a cigarette*
"have you ever"
*drinks some scotch*
"slept with a guy"
*sucks a lollipop*
"with three arms?"