Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SharkJelly's best tweets

@SharkJelly : *in a fight with Humpty Dumpty* "You don't scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast"

@SharkJelly: [My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

@SharkJelly: *I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

@SharkJelly: Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

@SharkJelly: [At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

@SharkJelly: [1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say 'brave choice sir' and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

@SharkJelly: Clark Kent "I have a confession"

Lois Lane "what is it?"

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois "Is it a bird?"

Clark "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU"

@SharkJelly: Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

@SharkJelly: "Hey honey"

*drags a cigarette*

"have you ever"

*drinks some scotch*

"slept with a guy"

*sucks a lollipop*

"with three arms?"