I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
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As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.