Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShaunRightNow's best tweets

@ShaunRightNow : Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress. All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he's done.

@ShaunRightNow: Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

@ShaunRightNow: I think God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a disappointment.

@ShaunRightNow: Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

@ShaunRightNow: When my wife wants my opinion, she'll give it to me.

@ShaunRightNow: Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away.
Later, I'm walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.

@ShaunRightNow: I'm married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.

@ShaunRightNow: I'll always remember the day my wife said "yes" to my proposal.

And I'll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on.