Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair