People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
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I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
What about a To-Don’t List?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.