One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen