[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
THE AUDACITY. 😤
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down