Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules