Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
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Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.