7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
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I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈