@ShesARealGenius: On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
@ShesARealGenius: Me: "I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he's the only one with glasses?"
Librarian: "Just pay your fine, Ma'am."
@ShesARealGenius: [Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I'm sorry; we don't have that kind of time.
@ShesARealGenius: *Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
@ShesARealGenius: [FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: "And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
@ShesARealGenius: Sardine Wife: "What's wrong?"
Sardine Husband: "I just need some space, Linda."
Sardine Wife: "WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH"
@ShesARealGenius: [Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."
@ShesARealGenius: Lol how "take you out" could mean either we're going on a date or I'm gonna kill you.