Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
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