putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
pelicons
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.