Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@Shock_Monster : Nurse: It's just a little prick..
Me: That's what my gf said!
N: You don't have a gf, do you?
@Shock_Monster: Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.
@Shock_Monster: Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
@Shock_Monster: How To Get Rich:
1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.
2. Empty it the next day.
3. Become a millionaire.
@Shock_Monster: 54% of IKEA purchases end in divorce.
@Shock_Monster: According to my Ex, we only had 2 problems:
2. Not her.
@Shock_Monster: Hostess: Table for one?
Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?
Me: Yes, one please.
@Shock_Monster: Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock
@Shock_Monster: Her: I saw this Yoda pen & I thought of you.
Me: WHY? YOU THINK I'M 8 OR SOMETHING?
Her: No, sorry...
Me: Hey, hey, hey! Leave the pen.
@Shock_Monster: Her: I'm thinking of a number between 1 an-