My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
good let them take over I have had enough
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Just how popey was the pope today?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes